Why Does My Parent Act Differently When They Drink?

You may know something changes when your mom or dad drinks.

Maybe they get angry. Maybe they say things they normally would not say. Maybe they get loud, start arguments, cry, fall asleep, forget things, spend money your family needs, or make promises they do not keep.

Sometimes you may not even see them drinking.

You just know.

If you have wondered why your parent seems like a different person after drinking, you are not imagining it. And you are not alone in thinking it. Alcohol really can change the way a person thinks, feels, makes decisions, and behaves.

Understanding that may help you make sense of something that can be very confusing.

What Does Alcohol Do to a Person?

Alcohol affects the brain.

As someone drinks, their judgment can become worse. They may have less control over what they say and do and may say and do things they would not do if they were not drinking. Their emotions can become stronger or change quickly. And they may take things out on you.

That can make someone you know very well seem like a different person.

One parent may become angry when drinking. Another may become overly emotional. Someone else may become silly, reckless, sleepy, argumentative, or simply not there at all.

If other drugs are being used along with alcohol, the situation can become even worse. You may not know exactly what your parent or parents have taken.

The truth is—you do not have to know.

If their behavior changes and something seems wrong, what you are seeing and feeling matters.

Is That Who My Parent Really Is?

This can be one of the hardest things to understand.

You may have a parent who is kind when sober and mean when drinking.

They may say terrible things at night and apologize the next morning—or not remember it at all.

They may promise that something will never happen again—and then do it again.

So which one is really your parent?

Alcohol does not reveal some secret “real person” hiding inside your mom or dad. But alcohol does affect judgment, self-control, emotions, and decision-making.

At the same time, saying “it was the alcohol” does not make what happened disappear.

If a parent has frightened you, hurt you, embarrassed you, spent money the family needed, broken a promise, started a fight, or failed to take care of you, those things really happened.

A parent can be sorry afterward, but the damage is still very real.

Sadly, both things can be true.

If you are wondering whether what you are seeing means your parent may be alcoholic, read What Makes Someone Alcoholic?

You Can Love Your Parent and Hate What Drinking Does

This can be especially confusing.

This Is Not Your Fault

There is something else you need to know.

Your parent’s drinking is not your fault.

A parent who drinks may blame other people for their drinking or for what happens while they are drinking or afterward.

They may blame their husband or wife. They may blame their job, money problems, stress, or other people.

And sometimes they may blame you.

They might tell you that you made them angry. They may say that if you had behaved differently, listened better, been quieter, gotten better grades, or not caused a problem, they would not have gotten so upset or felt the need to drink at all.

You may even start thinking that yourself.

Maybe if I hadn’t said that…

Maybe if I had just stayed quiet…

Maybe if I were a better kid…

No.

You may make mistakes. You may argue with your parents. You may get into trouble. You may do things you shouldn’t do. Every child does.

But none of those things makes your parent drink.

And none of them makes you responsible for what your parent chooses to do after drinking.

If your parent becomes angry, calls you names, frightens you, ignores you, blames you, or takes their problems out on you when they drink, you did not cause that by being a kid.

Their drinking belongs to them.

You did not cause it.

And you cannot fix it by becoming a perfect child.

I Understand Some of This

My father was alcoholic. I knew from the time I was four or five years old that his drinking was causing problems, although I did not understand what was happening.

I saw what drinking did to him. I saw what it did to my mother and our family. I heard my mother cry and wanted desperately to help her.

I knew something was wrong.

I just didn’t have words to define it or the ability to understand it.

As I got older, the problems became worse. Eventually, my father was selling the food stamps our family depended upon so he could buy alcohol. There were days when we had almost nothing to eat.

When I was seventeen, I finally went to our social worker and told him what was happening.

I was terrified that my brothers and I would be separated. I agreed to enter foster care only if my brothers could stay together with me.

The next day, when my father was sober, I had to tell him what I had done.

He cried.

It broke my heart.

I loved my dad.

But loving him could not make his drinking safe.

What Are You Supposed to Do?

Maybe that is the question you really came here to ask.

Understanding alcohol may explain your parent’s behavior, but you still have to live with what is happening.

The first thing to understand is this:

You cannot make your parent stop drinking.

That does not mean there is nothing you can do.

It means your job is not to cure your mom or dad.

You may already have responsibilities because of their drinking. Maybe you look after a younger brother or sister. Maybe you make meals. Maybe you try to keep everyone quiet so an argument does not start. Maybe you check on your parent to make sure they are okay.

Those responsibilities can become very real.

But your parent’s drinking is not your responsibility.

There is a difference.

Tell an Adult What Is Happening

If drinking is creating problems in your home, another responsible adult needs to know.

That might be a relative—they may already know something is wrong—a teacher, school counselor, coach, pastor, doctor, social worker, or another adult you trust.

Tell them what is actually happening. Do not be afraid to tell the truth. It is better for someone to know than for you to carry this by yourself.

You do not need to diagnose your parent. You do not have to prove that they are alcoholic.

You can simply tell the truth:

“My dad gets really angry when he drinks.”

“My mom passes out and I have to take care of my little brother.”

“There isn’t enough food because my parent spends the money on alcohol.”

“My parents fight when Dad drinks and I’m scared.”

“My mom drinks and takes something else, and I don’t know what it is.”

“I don’t feel safe when my parent is drinking.”

Those are things an adult needs to know.

If the first adult doesn’t understand how serious the situation is, tell another one.

What If Telling Someone Makes Things Worse?

That fear is real.

I had it too.

I was afraid my family would be broken apart. Eventually, it was.

Foster care did not magically make everything better either. Alcohol and drugs were present there too, and eventually my brothers and I went our separate ways.

I will not tell you that asking for help guarantees everything will turn out the way you want.

It may not.

But it could.

Keeping a dangerous situation secret does not make it safe.

You should not have to protect your parent’s drinking by pretending everything at home is okay.

Telling someone what is happening is not betraying your mom or dad.

Sometimes loving someone and protecting yourself have to happen at the same time.

If Someone Is in Danger

There is a difference between a difficult home and an immediate emergency.

If someone is being hurt, threatened, driving while badly impaired, unable to wake up, having trouble breathing, or you believe you or another person is in immediate danger, get help immediately.

Call 911 or get to a safe adult or safe place if you can.

Do not put yourself in danger trying to control an intoxicated adult.

You may care deeply about what happens to your parent.

That does not mean you should risk your own safety trying to rescue them.

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

When I was a child, I knew something was wrong long before I understood what was wrong.

Maybe you do too.

You may have spent a long time watching, listening, worrying, trying to keep the peace, taking care of other people, or wondering what will happen the next time your parent drinks.

You may even have started believing that it is your job to hold everything together.

It isn’t.

You can love your mom or dad without being able to save them. You can understand that alcohol is affecting their behavior without pretending their behavior is okay. And you can ask for help without turning against your family.

I wish someone had explained that to me when I was young.

So if you recognize your family in anything you have read here, don’t stop with understanding why your parent acts differently.

Tell someone.

Tell them what happens when your parent drinks. Tell them what frightens you. Tell them what you are having to do because your parent isn’t doing it. Tell them if there isn’t enough food, if you are taking care of younger children, if there is fighting, or if you don’t feel safe.

And if the first person doesn’t listen, tell someone else.

You do not have to know what will happen next before you ask for help. And it just may be the thing that gets your parent the help they need.

I didn’t know what would happen next either.

Sometimes the first step is simply allowing someone else to know what you already know:

Something is wrong, and I need help.

If You Don’t Know Who to Tell

Maybe you have read this far and you’re thinking, I don’t have anyone I can tell.

Or maybe you already told someone and they didn’t listen.

Don’t give up.

There are people you can contact whose job is to listen and help you figure out what to do next.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

You do not have to decide whether what is happening to you is “abuse” before contacting them. You can tell a counselor what is happening and ask for help figuring out what to do.

Call 1-800-422-4453 or text GO to 1-800-422-4453. You can also use their live chat.

Alateen

If you are a teenager affected by someone else’s drinking, Alateen gives you a place to talk with other young people who understand what that can be like.

There are in-person meetings, and teens ages 13–18 can also attend moderated electronic meetings.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

If everything feels like too much, you are frightened, overwhelmed, thinking about hurting yourself, or simply feel like you are in a crisis and need someone right now, call or text 988.

Someone is available 24 hours a day.

And remember: if you or someone else is in immediate physical danger, call 911.

You do not have to have the right words.

You don’t have to understand exactly what is happening.

You don’t have to prove that your mom or dad has a drinking problem.

You can start with the truth:

“My parent drinks, things happen at home that scare me, and I don’t know what to do.”

That is enough to start asking for help.

And God Has Not Forgotten You

There is one more thing I want you to know.

You may believe in God. You may not. You may even be angry with Him or wonder where He is while all of this is happening.

I understand that too.

I am not going to tell you that believing in God will suddenly make your parent’s drinking stop or make everything at home better.

But I do believe this:

God sees you.

He sees what is happening when nobody else does. He hears you when you are frightened, confused, angry, or hurting. And you do not need special words to talk to Him.

You can simply tell Him the truth too:

“God, I don’t know what to do. Please help me.”

Then keep doing what we have talked about here.

Tell someone.

Ask for help.

Get somewhere safe when you need to.

And remember: